I believe that I am cursed. I am cursed because I am 5'1, I have a big ass and I have red hair which means I can not attract normal men. No seriously I can't. Being a red head is hard enough because we always attract weirdos that are obsessed with red heads. Then being short by itself is hard because we attract weirdos that are obsessed with short girls. I AM BOTH! I am short with a big ass and a red head, not to mention I have freckles. Do you realize what kind of freaks this means I attract?
I attract men that are 55 with missing teeth and thugs, neither of which I am attracted to. I get lines like, "I like short girls" or "I've always had a thing for red heads." These men wave at me in traffic and blow me kisses. When I drive up the 5 to go home, I get about 5 or 6 truck drivers that honk at me. *vomit* The first couple times this happened I just shrugged it off with, "Everybody gets nasty men hitting on them." Then after about 5 years of only nasty men hitting on me, I have realized that those are the only men I attract.
Is it my perfume? Do I need to read the bottle more carefully? Does it actually say "Warning: May attract old men with missing teeth or freaks that like to touch your hair without your permission?" Do I have a sign on my back that says "Please make obscene gestures towards me?" Maybe I am so delusional about my love affair with George Clooney that I have convinced myself I am seriously dating him and flying off to Lake Como on weekends so I am giving off this vibe that I am unavailable.
I have been single for so long that it's almost embarrassing, but that's not what is even bothering me. I like being single. I have no desire for a boyfriend, I mean I already have George, but I would at least like to be hit on by a semi-attractive human being for once. Is this too much to ask for? Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm the hottest thing on the planet, but I do at least know that I am more attractive than a 55 year old man with missing teeth. Or am I? Maybe I should just go ahead and put on my overalls, get my pitchfork and head down to the South because I'm starting to think that God is telling me that these are the only men I am ever going to attract.
I attract men that are 55 with missing teeth and thugs, neither of which I am attracted to. I get lines like, "I like short girls" or "I've always had a thing for red heads." These men wave at me in traffic and blow me kisses. When I drive up the 5 to go home, I get about 5 or 6 truck drivers that honk at me. *vomit* The first couple times this happened I just shrugged it off with, "Everybody gets nasty men hitting on them." Then after about 5 years of only nasty men hitting on me, I have realized that those are the only men I attract.
Is it my perfume? Do I need to read the bottle more carefully? Does it actually say "Warning: May attract old men with missing teeth or freaks that like to touch your hair without your permission?" Do I have a sign on my back that says "Please make obscene gestures towards me?" Maybe I am so delusional about my love affair with George Clooney that I have convinced myself I am seriously dating him and flying off to Lake Como on weekends so I am giving off this vibe that I am unavailable.
I have been single for so long that it's almost embarrassing, but that's not what is even bothering me. I like being single. I have no desire for a boyfriend, I mean I already have George, but I would at least like to be hit on by a semi-attractive human being for once. Is this too much to ask for? Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm the hottest thing on the planet, but I do at least know that I am more attractive than a 55 year old man with missing teeth. Or am I? Maybe I should just go ahead and put on my overalls, get my pitchfork and head down to the South because I'm starting to think that God is telling me that these are the only men I am ever going to attract.
posted by Penny at 2:04 PM
2 Comments:
I would say you need to stick out your tongue at them, but some of the less-intelligent ones might take that to mean you're coming onto them.
My friend has a most brilliant solution. What she does is smile (sarcastically) at offending people, sticking out her hand with her thumb up. When she's made sure she's caught their attention, she shakes her head shamefully and drastically turns her fist so it becomes a thumbs-down. It is surprisingly effective.
And it's weird who you attract. I attract lawyers or guys who are so bordering on gay even gay guys can't tell if they're straight or not. Usually, it's a combination of the both. It's really interesting, and I would love to know what kinds of vibes I'm sending out so I can alter them.
And obviously we'll find you someone, you silly goose! Someone who is not a truck driver, or if he is, he's like the George Clooney of truck drivers. Or maybe just George himself.
The old man thing is because of your age. When I was in my 20s, I frequently attracted men in the 50-plus age range. It was rather disturbing. Now that I am nearing 40, I tend to attract men in the 24-34 age range. Where were these guys when I was in my 20s?
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